


Sinister Kid

by inkslinger_outlaw



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Depression, Drug Use, F/F, F/M, Incest, M/M, Self Harm, Suicidal Ideation, Suicide Attempt, Trans Karkat, Unrequited Love, WIP, characters to be determined, transgender character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-03
Updated: 2015-08-07
Packaged: 2018-04-12 18:20:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4489944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inkslinger_outlaw/pseuds/inkslinger_outlaw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>' A sinister kid is a kid who Runs to meet his Maker<br/>A drop dead sprint from the day he's born<br/>Straight into his Maker's arms<br/>And that's me, that's me<br/>The boy with the broken halo<br/>That's me, that's me<br/>The devil won't let me be'</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> self indulgent bullshit @ 5 am

It aches every time I peel my binder off at the end of the day. My chest, my bones. It's tiring, this constant pain in my mind and my body.

I wish my circumstances were different, but that's a moot point. It doesn't matter, becuase this is what it is. And I've made my peace with it for the most part.

I sit down on my bed carefully and let all of the air out of my lungs at once and slump over. My breasts touch against my bare thighs and I only grimace for half a second. Good step up from having a near breakdown I'd say. 

My nails snag against my hair as I run it through, but it doesn't hurt. It just makes me dig my black nails into my scalp that much harder. My expression doesn't even change aside from a slight furrow of my brows. I lay back against my cool sheets and hold my arm across my chest so nothing moves. 

Well, it's good to know the ceiling hasn't changed dramatically in the hours I've been gone. That might be a new stain, but.. No. That was there yesterday too. My nose wrinkles a bit and I let out another tired sigh. I should shower. I smell like a wilted salad garnished with sweat. But...

I let my eyes close. I'd really rather just sleep right here in my sweat. Work was hard, it's always hard, and I deserve to lay my ass down for a while. 

Jesus I feel gross though.

I hear the front door close with a bit of force and I sigh. Don't get me wrong, I love my roommates, but I don't want to be near anyone right now.

"Karkat?" I roll over and try to pretend I didn't just hear John call for me. I know he's seen my shoes and coat. And the door being unlocked is probably a good indicator someone's here. Mainly me because Dave's still at 'work'. Or what he thinks is work I guess. 

Ugh, I'm a judgemental asshole. I lay my arm across my eyes and try to silence everything around me. I don't even bother trying to get silence inside. It never happens. 

There's no more call for me after that and I feel bad. I shouldn't ignore them like that, but I just can't be around anyone right now. I need to be alone. I need... fuck, I don't even know at this point. To not be alone. Because I know I'll just do something stupid like always. Goddamnit... I roll onto my side, ribs screaming quietly in protest. I just bunch my comforter in my hands, straight up pretending the pain doesn't exist, because what else am I supposed to do?

I close my eyes, ignoring the sweat on my body and how itchy my scars are today and how my breasts have slid to the side and are touching each other. I ignore my sore joints and how much my eyes are burning from the light and lack of sleep. I ignore how lightheaded I am from all the physical labor I did without eating today or getting a break like I'm supposed to.

A lump in my throat starts and I refuse to fucking cry over a shitty day of work again. They win if it upsets me this much. I press my face into my mattress as hard as I can, breathing heavily and choking back tears. My half-gasped cries sound pathetic to me, which just makes me wanna cry more. 

Fuck, I can't win.

I grab my phone while tears slide down my face. I turn on my music, hitting shuffle and turning it up so John can't hear me cry. Comfort would be nice, but... it's just too embarrassing and uncomfortable for me. I couldn't handle it and would just lash out.

I lay there for a good half hour, pillow soaking up my tears, then spend another hour staring blankly at the wall. Maybe I should buy a new pillow soon... There's another knock at my door just as I sniffle. I say nothing, but sit up regardless. My head swims for a moment.

"...Karkat? Me and Dave are gonna watch a movie. Do you want to watch it with us?" I stare down at my lap, ears perking up when I hear Dave's gruff, southern twang.

"Fuck it, man. If he don't wanna spend time with us, then whatever. Not like he's fun to be around anyhow." My entire composure crumbles and I hear John shout, 

"Dave! That's not nice!" as they retreat down the hall. My arms wrap around my middle as I silently start crying again.

Fuck, fuck! He's right and I'm such a piece of shit and fuck! It's near impossible to stifle my sobs as I fish out a razorblade from my wallet. It feels wrong when I press it against the soft flesh of my forearm. Even worse when I pull it across. Excruciating as warm blood slides down my arm, rivulets getting wider as I make more slits in my skin. Christ I wish I was dead. Blood seeps into my sheets and makes a mess as I lie back down, tears staunched for now. I exhale slowly, laborously. It hurts. 

Works going to be a deplorable, hot mess tomorrow. Not that it always isn't considering that one, it's work, and two, long fucking sleeves. But it's gonna be extra painful tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it at all.

I stare at the wall again and listen with half a mind at John and Dave's chatter. And I wonder how no one's caught on yet. It's obvious I have problems, but this isn't the kind of shit people want to imagine someone doing. So maybe that's why. 

I roll over and tug my sheet and blankets over myself, attempting to relax at all. I finally start getting groggy around six am after fucking around on my phone for five hours. I have to be to work in four and a half hours.

fuck me. Fuck. Maybe tomorrow will be better at all. But I really goddamn doubt it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh boy

Turning to Dave after staring at Karkat's door for the hundredth time that week, I sigh. Karkat's just been shutting hhimself away more and more... And I'm scared.

"We should talk to him... I think there's something wrong with him!" Dave gives me an unimpressed look after pausing his game.

"John. There's always been somethin' wrong with that kid. Ever since High School he's been off. What do ya want? Ya want us to barge in there and take him into our arms and kiss him softly like in some bad slash fiction or some shit? 'Cause I'll tell ya right now, Egderp, he won't appreciate it."

I exhale slowly in anger and clench my fists a little. 

"Well there has to be something! Dave-" 

"Just shut up!" My mouth drops open and Dave seems just as startled by his outburst. There's an uncomfortable pause as Dave fiddles with his shades, then almost angrily unpauses his game again. "Look, I'm sorry, alright? But it's every day with you and this shit! This is Karkat, ya don't know him like me. He... If he wants to shut himself off from everyone, he will. Ain't nothin' for it. Just gotta wait it out 'till he stops throwin' his hissy fit." I cross my arms, extremely unhappy with his bullshit answer.

"Have you ever tried just talking to him? You know, sometimes that really does a lot for a person, but it's not like you would know anything about that!" He throws his controller on the floor and stands at his whole 6' 5". To be honest, I'm actually frightened.

"Fuck you, John" He whispers at first. "Ya don't know shit about this! Yur so out of yur element it's ludicrous! Yur so damn blind to the shit goin' on around ya!" Stalking over to the door, he yanks on his vans and grabs his keys. I just stand there stunned, I never see Dave fly off the handle like that. "I'll be back later. Don't wait up for me." And with a slam, the door is shut and I'm alone in the house. Left to stew in what Dave said, trying to figure out what the hell he could be talking about. I sit on the couch, staring at the 'Continue?' screen on the tv. What should I even do? Karkat'll just shut down if I confront him. Maybe... Maybe I should snoop in his room. It breaks every friend code ever, but I have to see if I can help him. He's one of my best friends! This is doing the right thing, isn't it? I'm just trying to help...

_____ 

My breathing is harsh as I speed down the road, nearly crushing the steering wheel in my grip. I bite my lip harshly, over and over until I feel a small trickle of blood drip down.  
I have to, have to, have to see him.  
i can't i c an't i c an't do th is  
he's gotta see me  
h a s t o  
god p l e a se  
I stare wide eyed as I swerve in and out of traffic. I'm so fucking worked up and all over that short asshole! This is all his fault! Fuck fuck! I slap my hand against the steering wheel in anger, relishing in the sting.

And even though I blame John and karkat for the state I'm in... I know what the actual deal is, in the back of my head. This encaptured, closed feeling rushing through my body. I'm out of fucking control and I know it. I could pull over, I could pull over and take care of it right now, right now now now but I **promised**! I said! 

_it didn't stop you last time... or the time before and before and before_

I gasp as I feel warm liquid slip from my nose and down my lips. I wipe my face, hand coming back scarlet. 

_Fuck..._

I drive for another hour, blocking everything before finally screeching into the Stanford University student housing lot. I drive onto the grass of a familiar house before leaping out of my car, not bothering to lock up. I sprint through the door and up the stairs past familiar faces i don't care for. I stumble and almost fall as i reach the familiar door. Everything in me almost stutters to a halt and I pound my fist against the wood. 

"Open up! Open up open up ope-!" the door clicks and I stop breathing as I finally see the familiar man peeking out of that familiar door. His eyebrows are raised past his sunglasses and he barely gets to take another breath before I'm pushimg my way in. I wrap my arms around him and crush my lips against his, getting my blood all over his face as he makes noises of protest. He finally shoves me off and onto the floor. I just grip my hair in my hands as he slams the door behind me. The silence is fucking killing me. 

Then he's right there, kneeling next to me, his hand on my back. 

"...Dave?" I let out a sob and he sighs. "How much did you take this time?" I rub my blood stained hand across my eyes and shake my head. 

"Fuck you! I didn't do anything!" I gasp in a breath as he runs his gloved hand down my back. "That's why I'm here." 

"Oh, that's why? Not to try to get with me? Because that kiss says otherwise. Or are you hoping because you're sober for tonight I'll give you that yes you want so bad?" I try to cry as silently as I can into my sleeve. He sighs again and I want to slap him. "Dave, you know we can't and you know exactly why... Look, I'm sorry. i know it's hard on you-" 

"Ya don't know shit, Dirk!" I interrupt, abruptly standing and glaring down at him. "Ya don't know the kind of hell I go through!" 

Dirk slowly gets up off of the floor, matching my height, frowning severely. "I know the hell it is to watch my twin slowly kill himself and unable to give him the one thing that would make him better." 

"Then why don't ya?!" I scream. "Why?! It's not as if ya've ever given a shit about morality!" He silently looks at me, still frowning. 

"Because I don't love you like that. Because I can't. Because it makes me feel sick to think about..." I wail into my hands and he turns away, ashamed to look at me. To speak to me. A man in love with his own brother. His twin. "Look," he starts. And I already know what he's going to say. 

"I know, Dirk," I mumble. "You're my family. Ya love me as a brother. You're always here for me. Fuck you." I start towards the door but he steps in front of it. 

"You're not leaving. I know exactly what you're going to do if I let you go." 

We stand like that, face to face. Silent and staring for what feels like forever until I lower my head, whole body shaking. I feel familiar arms around me and I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to force the inevitable tide back. 

"I'm sorry," he whispers, head resting against mine. It feels like I'm dying a thousand deaths. And it's familiar. 

"I know," I whisper back. "So am I." 

Sorry that your twin is a coked up freak. 

Sorry you have to live with this sick secret. 

_Sorry I'm not dead yet._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess im continuing this atrocity

**Author's Note:**

> probably gonna continue this but who knows


End file.
